This one’s hard. I don’t get embarrassed too often anymore. For the most part, I more look at things like, “well that sucked, but at least it’ll be a fun story for later.” So I guess I could tell a few of those.
I remember back in the fourth grade, I was in a spelling bee, and they gave me the word “idle.” I even knew there was a homonym, so I asked for the definition and everything. I had it, I was golden. And then for some reason or another the first thing out of my mouth when I opened it was “A.” And in my head I remember being like “Why did I just say that?” So that’s the earliest public humiliation I remember.
There were lots of moments back when I was in elementary, junior high, and high school where I was teased for my grades. I had the reputation for being smart, and even had the nickname “Eugenius” (and of course, because I fought it at the beginning, it stuck harder). But anytime anyone got a grade higher than me, they were like “OMG we beat Eugene?!” That shit got old real quick. But even then, it wasn’t really embarrassing, it was just annoying. Plus, let’s be real, I was valedictorian of my graduating class in high school, so we know who won that game. *mic drop*
In college, there was that public health clinical where I ended up having to teach sex ed to six-hourish-long periods of junior high girls by myself because my female partner got in a bike wreck the weekend before and was hopped up on pain meds. Thankfully my professor was there, but it just felt like a hot damn mess. The girls were uncomfortable, I was uncomfortable…at the end of the day, I just needed a damn drink. The worst part of that day was when one girl was like “Mister, what’s that thing on TV in a purple and white box?” Now, I don’t watch a whole lot of TV…I pretty much default to Walking Dead/Talking Dead and Food Network, so I was like, “I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Do you know what it starts with?” She says it starts with a “V,” and I’m thinking Viagra. Thankfully, before I said something and opened a can of worms that I didn’t want to open, the substitute teacher behind me whispered, “I think she’s talking about vibrators.” At this point, a string of expletives are just running through my head as I’m trying to figure out how to even address this topic. Thankfully, my professor was there, so I deferred to the question to her. Then she goes on about vibrators and masturbation and dips into some of her own personal experiences, which at this point in my life/career wouldn’t bother me. But at the time I’m just thinking, “I can’t unhear any of this. How can I unhear all of this?” So yeah, needless to say, drinks were had after that day.
This one isn’t necessarily an embarrassing “moment” per se, but rather more of an embarrassing habit I had in college. I had my moments where I was a little (or more than a little) drunk…particularly on the nights we dubbed “Dubstep Thursdays.” Our liquor of choice back then was tequila (Espolon was our favorite…goes down smooth). But for some reason or another, I’d start speaking Spanish when I was drunk on tequila. I’m not fluent in Spanish. At all. Like I can hack my way through a triage to get the information I need from a patient, but that’s about it. So I can’t imagine I spoke it well. But considering none of my other friends spoke Spanish, they couldn’t tell me exactly how bad it was.
I guess the only other thing I can think of is that my friends, especially when I first started drinking were always excited to get me drunk because I’d never drank before that, so it was the new shiny thing at the time. The problem is that for the most part, if you give me alcohol, I don’t get “turnt up.” I get sleepy. Like tequila makes my clothes fall off because I’m trying to get in my pajamas and go to bed. So there was this one night with a couple of friends who’d never seen me drunk at that point in time yet, so they took me to Dirty 6th. I had a couple of shots, but they kept giving me more because I wasn’t dancing, so I wasn’t drunk enough. Protip: I actually like dancing. I will dance sober. I don’t have to be drunk for that; I just have to be in the mood. Anyway, 14 kamikaze shots later, I’ve got my head down at the bar snoring.
Oh there’s one more “embarrassing” moment I thought of that’s completely unrelated. I was on a retreat team back in college, and we were staying at this church to put on a retreat for that particular parish. Now I know that I snore, especially when I’m exhausted. Knowing this information, I decided to set up shop in the cry room (which for anyone that’s unfamiliar with the set up of churches, this is a somewhat soundproofed room dedicated for crying children so that their parents can still be with their children and still go to Mass). Apparently, a buddy of mine happened to walk by while getting ready to go to sleep and could hear me through the door of the cry room. So he sneaks in and records me on his phone. Thankfully for me, this friend couldn’t keep a hold of a phone to save his life, so that recording disappeared relatively soon after.
But yeah, those are the only ones I can think of at this point in time. But like I said, there are few things that actually legitimately embarrass me…all of this to me is just fuel for some fun stories to tell later on.