[01.20.11] Morning Musings

So yesterday’s pseudo-meditation seemed to work out to my advantage because I preemptively channeled most of the thoughts that distracted me prior and would have continued to distract me. So I’m taking that as a sign to keep going.

So yesterday was our first day in skills lab. It was interesting because my instructor was my clinical instructor last semester for J1 and there were a lot of issues there. Nothing really personal, I like her as a person. But as a clinical instructor, she seemed a bit out of touch with how new we were as she was a seasoned veteran in the nursing field. In any case, all of last year’s stuff seemed to be water under the bridge, so it seems to be all good now. We’ll see where that goes as the semester rolls on though.

Another perk about my lab: 4 guys in there. I’m not getting singled out anymore like I did in assessment. And one of them happens to be one of my relatively good friends in the nursing school, so we’re lab partners now. I was just glad we didn’t have to go through the awkward, “Hi, we just met, and now I have to examine you.” Granted, we’re going to have to do that with patients all the time, but still.

Anyway, so as this first week of school is going, I’m gaining a little more and more hope as far as my workload. I feel as though if I front-load everything, then I should be fine. Plus Awakening is going to hit the ground running at the very beginning and then chill for a bit until the very end. Which is going to be great. Although I just realized that workday is on a Sunday, and I’m going to have to go get my patient that day. I guess I’m missing the beginning of workday. Here’s hoping I can get that information quickly, especially if we have the same window to collect our patient info.

So yesterday, I ended up sitting in the UCC for 3 hours. Not doing anything in particular…just sitting and chatting with people. I wasn’t even planning on being there to begin with. I just decided after my lab that it was too nice of a day to go exercise in a gym so I opted to go for a walk around campus instead. And I get about halfway (I was over by the communication building, literally on the other end of campus from the C lot where my car was) and Andrea and I start talking about Awakening and we end up deciding to meet up at the UCC to talk about stuff.

So we get through and I see people I hadn’t hung out with in a while, so we talk, and one thing leads to another, and I’m sitting in one of the armchairs. And then finally I realize that it’s 4pm and I’d been there since 1pm and basically just wasted my day. Not that catching up with friends is a waste, but definitely not an efficient use of my time in the least bit when I need to get way ahead so I can afford to slip a little when Awakening decides it wants attention.

So then I went home and then the plumber was being a total pain in the ass. Well to me anyway. I’d called the company that morning to look at the leak in our sink, which I don’t think I mentioned in the last post, so I’ll do a quick recap. Sink on the garbage disposal side got clogged, I decided to be all DIY and handy and manly or whatever and I took the pipe out and cleared the clog when the Draino didn’t work. And then when I went to put the pipe back, it started leaking by where the garbage disposal was. Which I was just like great.  Just…perfect.  Anyway, I called the company at 8am and got a voicemail saying that I called during normal business hours but no one was there to help me. What the heck? So then I try again at 9am and leave a message with my name, number, and preferred call-back time. Did I get a call? Nope. So I call them back and the lady says she’s going to talk to the plumber and he’s going to call me. Did he call? Nope. So I’m giving them until 8am. If I still got nothing, I’m calling them back again. This mess needs to be fixed now, and if my Mondays and Tuesdays are basically gone, this can’t keep happening. I want my sink fixed now.

But enough bitching about that…and on to bitching about something else. I’ve been having these issues with this one girl. I’m not really sure what yet. But speculation (by many based on prior experiences…note the plural) seems to point in the direction that she’s taken a liking to me. Which is unfortunate because I have no interest in her, if that’s even the case. However, I ran into her recently and she gave me this hug that lasted entirely too long to the point that I was starting to get uncomfortable. I was hoping the break would give her time to get over whatever this is. But nope, that’s clearly not the case. And all the while, I’m dealing with getting over my feelings for someone else.

On an unrelated note, I like this whole writing in a journal daily thing. I hope that I can keep this up. Getting up at 6am to just get everything out and be zen, this may work. Now for the next two days of school, my only two lecture classes for the semester.

End stream of consciousness.

[01.19.11] – Morning Musings

So I decided recently that with the amount of work I’ve taken on this semester, that it would be a good thing for me to settle down with a cup of tea and center myself to properly deal with my day ahead. These aren’t really meant for public reading but I’m not putting them on private because there’s no real sensitive information on here. It’s just more going to be me free writing to an extent.  So anything titled “Morning Musings,” feel free to ignore. My goal is to take every Saturday and write an actual blog worth reading.

Anyway, it’s a new year, 2011. Hopefully it’s a good one because 11 is my favorite number. Granted, as some priest down in FL told us on the way out of Mass when we were on vacation, “Make it a good one.” I liked that.

So, looking forward into what this semester holds, the things I have planned so far are my J2 semester in nursing school (of  course), being Co-Co for LA50 (which apparently EVERYONE saw coming except for me), being in charge of SUDS (set up and decorations) committee for the Zion Retreat (I guess once a gopher, always a gopher), and a trip to Washington, D.C. at the end of spring break. Unfortunately, the last three come rapid fire (i.e. three consecutive weekends in March) on top of the ongoing one. Which means that I am going to seriously have to focus. My goal with this is to collect my scattered thoughts, bring them together for a bit and try to make sense of them so that I’m not running around like a chicken with my head cut off throughout the day.

On top of all of this, I’m trying to make a movement toward health. I’ve been attempting to eat better (e.g. portion control, making a point to have vegetables at least once or twice a day) and exercising where I can. At the end of last May, I was somewhere around 165lbs. After this Christmas break, I had ballooned up to 180lbs. NOT okay. I’m not being a little girl about it like OMG I’m so fat! But my fat ass could definitely stand to lose a little weight because I was already overweight to begin with and now I barely have the stamina to last a few lindy hops.

Which brings me to my main point, I guess, if there is really a main point to this: this semester is going to be one where I learn self-motivation and gain an internal locus of control. Looking back, I’m highly influenced by other people: where to eat, discomfort going to the gym without specific people, increased productivity when I feel others are watching, etc.

This has got to stop. I need to find the balance between being flexible so that I can be there for my friends and so that I still have friends when everything is said and done and sticking to a schedule so that I can truly be productive because these friends, while they can bail me out of sticky situations, will not pay my bills or tuition or get me a job.

But that does bring me to an interesting point. At the end of the last paragraph, I nearly typed “I can’t keep living all for them.” Just letting my fingers go, that’s what it went for. Which is ironic because our Awakening theme that Andrea and I decided on is All For You. Giving it all up and devoting your life to God. Dying to yourself to live with God. And I think that’s where I got lost.

Over the last couple of semesters, I’d fallen in love with my best friends in the sense that I devoted my time, my attention, and a good chunk of my life to them. They were always on my mind and I was always concerned with their well being, and they’re my big brothers so I look up to them and want them to be proud of me and this, that, and the other. Basically, I was living all for them, ignoring my own needs to cater to theirs. Not that they didn’t give me anything in return: they guided me, they helped me, they kept me grounded; I feel as though we really did become brothers in the truest sense of the word. But everything definitely suffered because of it. I lost sleep, used my time inefficiently, spent a lot of money, just lived a lifestyle that, while conducive to spiritual growth, was not good for my growth in other aspects.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret one single moment of it though. Each instance, each interaction, each moment together with them helped me become the man I am today and has molded my goal of the man I want to become. However, it’s a different time. They’re both gone and living in Houston three hours away, and it falls on me to be responsible for my own growth. And one of the first things I need to do is refocus where I’m devoting myself. Everything I do, every passage I have to read, every form I have to complete, every application I have to fill out, all for Him.  Every group I lead, every patient I see, every colleague I work with, all for Him. THIS is my vocation: a student. I need to keep focused on him throughout the week and not just an hour every Sunday and every so often on an Awakening meeting. I can’t compartmentalize because that’s not what I’m being called to do. I say I was called into the nursing profession. Then why limit God’s effect to that call? Why not integrate God into everything I do? AMDG, ad majorem Dei gloriam, all for the greater glory of God. All. For. The. Greater. Glory. Of. God.

I’ve got to focus and get this right. All of it. Because my semester, my time, is hanging in a very delicate balance, and I have to find the way to make the best use of it.

End stream of consciousness.