…since I last blogged about anything. I had a couple of drafts that were saved but I decided to just delete them and start over because they didn’t really feel pertinent anymore anyway. Not that past feelings aren’t important, but when they’re only half there and I no longer am in that mindset, I have no urge to complete those thoughts. But yeah, this post isn’t going to be very well organized and will probably be more of a stream-of-consciousness type thing, but whatever.
Anyway, so much has happened since April. And a lot of it is just growing. Mainly appreciating the things around me instead of trying to look at what everyone else has.
Last week I hit this funk. I think it was from this sort of feeling of spiritual desolation since I left the Catholic Center. Ever since all the drama went down with the staff, I could not make myself feel at home there anymore. Not that it really felt like home to begin with once I really got into the job. But it was my stability. But once I was driven out by the instability, I lost that safe sense of community. And I secretly yearned for that feeling again. And the more I thought about it, the more it ate at me, until finally I got trapped in this vicious cycle of I don’t even know what. And I ended up just going to church and going through the motions because I didn’t know what else to do.
Thankfully, I have people that know me better than I know myself that care enough about me to yank me back into reality. I’d been getting real bitchy around one of my best friends, one of the ones that I don’t even attempt to fake happiness around anymore because if I’m not really happy, he knows. And he called me out on it, said I was being ridiculous, and that I was going to send myself to an early grave between my pre-hypertension and my inability to chill out. Then I got pissed.
But I got home, sat, and thought about it, and realized that he was right, and when we talked later on, I got this sense of reassurance from him. He told me that what I was doing was a sign of dedication, a sign of toughness, a sign of manliness: struggling to maintain a relationship with God even without the reward of a God high because that’s what I believed in.
Then another one of my closest friends called soon after to check on me and see what the hell was wrong with me. And then called me out on my desire to pull out of everything and be antisocial. He said that no matter how far I run, how deep into the wilderness I go, how much distance I put between me and other people, I would never get away from these feelings until I learned to accept them for what they were and to deal with them. Then he proceeded to tell me that retreats are nice, but that’s not the only time I can see God or feel God. He reminded me that even in all of this shit, He’s everywhere.
And then I opened my eyes and looked around. For a brief moment, I woke up, and there He was. He was right there in front of me, staring at me through the computer screen I’d been working on for the last 12 hours and speaking to me through the phone that is almost always directly attached to my hip. Then I remembered my own ideas from my talk from a retreat a while back. He’s not just there in the retreats and in the loud and flashy things; He’s also there in the every day, in the mundane, getting you from high point to high point by carrying you through the low even though you don’ realize it.
Then I had the best weekend in a while. I had dinner with some of my closest friends that Friday and then just sat and enjoyed their company. Saturday, I ventured back into the UCC universe and visited the tailgate. Mostly for the free food and the fact that Saul needed my football ticket, but still I went. And I had a pretty good time. The feeling of the sun on me was definitely welcome as well. And then that night, we went dancing at Midnight Rodeo, and had an amazing time. The final song we danced to was Jump, Jive, and Wail. It was funny because Christina and I and Saul and Andrea heard it play, looked at each other, and WHOOOOSH, onto the dance floor. I ran on endorphins for the rest of the night. Then we ended up going downtown, which I have never enjoyed until that weekend. We started at Peckerheads with the UCC crowd, but then Saul, Andrea, Christina, Paolo, Adam, and I ditched the standing and drinking to go dance at Pure. And it was definitely a good night. I got to let loose for the first time in a while and it felt great.
Then this weekend was OU weekend. Which I never thought I would enjoy but it was definitely a good decision for me not to have ditched. Because I had a great time. Grady and I got our own room that we kept private from everyone else so that we could get away from everyone when needed. Which worked amazingly well. We kept out everyone we didn’t want to deal with, and let in the ones that we actually cared to spend time with.
Then the State Fair was amazing. Great food, great people, and fun out in the (relatively) fresh air made for a good day. Except for the obnoxious fans trying to get a rise out of me every so often…which they didn’t get because I don’t really understand the football subculture anyway. But in any case, after the fair, I went to get dinner with Harding, Brittany, Rachel, and Paul at Big Fish, this nice little sushi place in Uptown. And it was nice to have another just chill evening to be with people whose company I enjoy. And then Sunday, I came home and magically, my apartment was clean, and there was food on the table (like dinner, not food that was forgotten before we left), and I just nearly broke down and cried out of a combination of happiness and exhaustion. My parents apparently had known that I was busy and that we’d be tired when we got home, so they came up and spent the weekend cleaning and cooking, so that when we came home, we’d be able to relax.
And I did. I definitely came from these last two weekends spiritually renewed. Because even though I may not necessarily be a part of the “UCC Community” anymore, MY faith community has never gone anywhere. And it gives me great comfort to know that.